May you Rest in Peace and God has mercy on your soul

I wanted to write this post in Chinese to show my sincerity, but there's some problem with my NJStar so i have to type in english instead. not that english is inferior compare to chinese, but i can express my feeling better in chinese.

Today is the day that my grandfather pass away, and i just got back from the hospital. This is a very shocking news to all of us, since 2 days ago when we visited him in the hospital, he still seems so healthy, although a little bit too skinny. he had gone back to his house in Tanjung Malim from Sentosa Hospital yesterday, and today afternoon my uncle found him unable to talk and under serious pain, and had difficulty trying to breath. that is very peculiar because one hour before my uncle discovered him, they had lunch together, and everything seems normal.

After the ambulance has delivered my grandfather to the general hospital, the doctors from the hospital refuse to treat him, and ask my uncle to bring him back instead. They said that they cannot do anything to prevent his death. furious at the doctors not even try to do anything, he called another ambulance and sent my grandfather to Sentosa Hospital in KL. all the way from Tanjung Malim.

When me and my mother got the news (my grandfather is from my mother's side), we rushed to the hospital at around 7 pm. at first we never thought the situation is so dire. i even thought that my uncle might has exagerrated things, and the worst my grandfather going to has is probably stroke. that's bad too but compare to the truth...

anyway, after we've reached the hospital and saw my grandfather lying on the bed, we know the situation is bad. very bad. he lied there on the bed, unable to breath normally, don't have the strength to speak to us or even see us, can't even hear us properly, and had to suffer excruciating pain. unable to watch anymore, we step out of the ward and let the nurses take care of him. in the mean time, all the other relatives gatherd in that small waiting area. that's when i saw many other relatives that i don't even know they exist. that's when i know that i didn't go back to Tanjung Malim and visit my grandfather enough, until i don't even know who he's hanging out. the only time i see him is before chinese new year, and had dinner together. today, i saw him again, before chinese new year. but this time, we can't have any dinner together any more.

damn never thought i can get so upset so easilly. i thought i won't get affected by death and seperation.

anyway, all of my grandfather's closest relatives hav gathered, and all of us waiting for the doctor's annouce, so we will know whether my grandfather will gonna survive for tonight or not. the dotor has instructed us to stay and wait, since there isn't much time left until the final moment. tired of waiting and doing nothing, i took out textbooks to study for the exam. halfway through the book, my mum suddenly urge me to go up to the ward and see my grandfather, because it seems that he can't make it anymore. after we rushed to his bed, we all stood there, looking at him, suffering, and trying to take in as many breath as possible before he can't breath no more. that's when i thought that its very inappropriate for us to stand there, and wait for him to die. we were like a pack of vultures, and looking at an old man dying, waiting. that's when i can't stand it anymore, and decided to walk out of the ward. my mom gave me a very good excuse to leave the ward, because he want to inform my father, who is still in China, about my grandfather's state.

once i've leaave the ward, everyone else also followed my steps, because it seems like my grandfather still can survive for a while longer, because they have waitied for ten minutes, and there's no changes to his situation. the nurse assured us again that if anything happened, he will let us know. That's when i continued my study. after i have finished the whole book (around 20 minutes later), i realised that everyone was missing. thinking that they might decided to have a quick snacks while waiting, i decided to put back the book in my car. after i reach back to hospital from car park, i saw that everyone is standing outside of the hospital main entrance, and some of my cousins's eyes are red. then i knew that my grandfather has pass away.

at that moment, i'm kinda glad that i was not there, because after the first visit to his ward, i don't have the confidence that i can hold back my tear. all this time i thought i'll be cool when facing death. i might get a bit upset, and that's all. i always thought death is just another normal phase of life, which everyone must go through, so there's nothing sad about death.

after that thought i suddenly realise that i didn't even have the chance to see my grandfather one last time. everyone was beside him when he pass away, except me. i'm the only one who was not there by his side. i... sigh... not only i was angry at my timing, i also was angry at my mom because she didn't inform me when she going back to the ward. she knew where i was. but i din't say anything. because i knew she must be more depress then me. strangely, i didn't notice any tear in her eyes at all. all the way back to home, i have to supress my tears, so i won't affect her emotion and make her cry. i don't know whether it will happen or not, but i thought i shouldn't risk it, because i won't know how to handle that situation, if my mother cried.

after i reached home, and my mother had went into her bedroom, i can't hold back the tears anymore. i didn't cry loudly, like those acting in the movies or tv series, but few drops of tears sucessfully broke free from my control.

don't have mood to write anymore. its such an ironic that i've wrote a positive post yesterday. a few hours ago. and now... sigh... those who read this, don't mention this in front of me anymore.