katabana... BANANA!!!

Once upon a time,
there's an aichai...

And this is the story,
of that aichai...

Sunday, January 27, 2008

May you Rest in Peace and God has mercy on your soul

I wanted to write this post in Chinese to show my sincerity, but there's some problem with my NJStar so i have to type in english instead. not that english is inferior compare to chinese, but i can express my feeling better in chinese.

Today is the day that my grandfather pass away, and i just got back from the hospital. This is a very shocking news to all of us, since 2 days ago when we visited him in the hospital, he still seems so healthy, although a little bit too skinny. he had gone back to his house in Tanjung Malim from Sentosa Hospital yesterday, and today afternoon my uncle found him unable to talk and under serious pain, and had difficulty trying to breath. that is very peculiar because one hour before my uncle discovered him, they had lunch together, and everything seems normal.

After the ambulance has delivered my grandfather to the general hospital, the doctors from the hospital refuse to treat him, and ask my uncle to bring him back instead. They said that they cannot do anything to prevent his death. furious at the doctors not even try to do anything, he called another ambulance and sent my grandfather to Sentosa Hospital in KL. all the way from Tanjung Malim.

When me and my mother got the news (my grandfather is from my mother's side), we rushed to the hospital at around 7 pm. at first we never thought the situation is so dire. i even thought that my uncle might has exagerrated things, and the worst my grandfather going to has is probably stroke. that's bad too but compare to the truth...

anyway, after we've reached the hospital and saw my grandfather lying on the bed, we know the situation is bad. very bad. he lied there on the bed, unable to breath normally, don't have the strength to speak to us or even see us, can't even hear us properly, and had to suffer excruciating pain. unable to watch anymore, we step out of the ward and let the nurses take care of him. in the mean time, all the other relatives gatherd in that small waiting area. that's when i saw many other relatives that i don't even know they exist. that's when i know that i didn't go back to Tanjung Malim and visit my grandfather enough, until i don't even know who he's hanging out. the only time i see him is before chinese new year, and had dinner together. today, i saw him again, before chinese new year. but this time, we can't have any dinner together any more.

damn never thought i can get so upset so easilly. i thought i won't get affected by death and seperation.

anyway, all of my grandfather's closest relatives hav gathered, and all of us waiting for the doctor's annouce, so we will know whether my grandfather will gonna survive for tonight or not. the dotor has instructed us to stay and wait, since there isn't much time left until the final moment. tired of waiting and doing nothing, i took out textbooks to study for the exam. halfway through the book, my mum suddenly urge me to go up to the ward and see my grandfather, because it seems that he can't make it anymore. after we rushed to his bed, we all stood there, looking at him, suffering, and trying to take in as many breath as possible before he can't breath no more. that's when i thought that its very inappropriate for us to stand there, and wait for him to die. we were like a pack of vultures, and looking at an old man dying, waiting. that's when i can't stand it anymore, and decided to walk out of the ward. my mom gave me a very good excuse to leave the ward, because he want to inform my father, who is still in China, about my grandfather's state.

once i've leaave the ward, everyone else also followed my steps, because it seems like my grandfather still can survive for a while longer, because they have waitied for ten minutes, and there's no changes to his situation. the nurse assured us again that if anything happened, he will let us know. That's when i continued my study. after i have finished the whole book (around 20 minutes later), i realised that everyone was missing. thinking that they might decided to have a quick snacks while waiting, i decided to put back the book in my car. after i reach back to hospital from car park, i saw that everyone is standing outside of the hospital main entrance, and some of my cousins's eyes are red. then i knew that my grandfather has pass away.

at that moment, i'm kinda glad that i was not there, because after the first visit to his ward, i don't have the confidence that i can hold back my tear. all this time i thought i'll be cool when facing death. i might get a bit upset, and that's all. i always thought death is just another normal phase of life, which everyone must go through, so there's nothing sad about death.

after that thought i suddenly realise that i didn't even have the chance to see my grandfather one last time. everyone was beside him when he pass away, except me. i'm the only one who was not there by his side. i... sigh... not only i was angry at my timing, i also was angry at my mom because she didn't inform me when she going back to the ward. she knew where i was. but i din't say anything. because i knew she must be more depress then me. strangely, i didn't notice any tear in her eyes at all. all the way back to home, i have to supress my tears, so i won't affect her emotion and make her cry. i don't know whether it will happen or not, but i thought i shouldn't risk it, because i won't know how to handle that situation, if my mother cried.

after i reached home, and my mother had went into her bedroom, i can't hold back the tears anymore. i didn't cry loudly, like those acting in the movies or tv series, but few drops of tears sucessfully broke free from my control.

don't have mood to write anymore. its such an ironic that i've wrote a positive post yesterday. a few hours ago. and now... sigh... those who read this, don't mention this in front of me anymore.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

personality test...


自我型(與別不同,自成一格)

您樂於活在邊緣,而且在人生的所有層面追求不尋常、藝術性且富含意義的事物。
您具有美感的洞察力,以穿著和環境來表達自我的獨特性。
您把焦點放在關係和感覺,所以儘管對工作抱持理想,找到理想伴侶卻是第一優先。當一份新的關係出現,或是既有的關係出問題時,工作很快的就會被暫放在一旁。

優點:
您對別人的受苦具有深層且天賦的同理心,會立刻拋開自己的麻煩,去支持並幫助在痛苦中的人。

缺點:
您會主動追求「負面」情緒。當生命過得越來越平淡時,您會產生出一個情緒危機,如果任何人試圖跟您講道理,都只會令您變得更憤怒不悅。

愛情:
您傾向以「若即若離」的方式面對愛情。距離越遠,對方看起來就越完美。
您情緒變化範圍太廣,太強烈,再加上若即若離的習性,對於伴侶而言很難確切知道如何和您建立關係。

您只要在交往過程中碰到一丁點難題,或是預見自己會被拒絕,您便會推開自己的伴侶。
「我寧可當那個先離開的人,也不要當被遺棄的人。如果我失去了掌控權,那是相當可怕的事。」

安定方位:改革型
在安定的狀態下您會開始有完美主義傾向,去批判自己和別人。

壓力方位:付出型
當面對感情的壓力或情緒對抗時,您會變得痴纏,失落,抑鬱和行為反復無常。很需要吸引別人,以獲得讚許。

建意:
每天找些正向的事情,並加以慶賀
享受世俗面,去看看平凡中的不平凡
覺得自己特殊而正確時,在行動前先花時間考慮清楚

最渴望:能更深入的了解自己,看透人生
最恐懼:自我身份的模糊,感情世界的缺陷
最難達到的美德:平衡 (Equanimity)
最難克服的執念:憂鬱 (Melancholy)


up to you guys to determine true or not.. :) some are damn true... :)

GOODBYE 2007, AND HELLO 2008!!!

This is the first post for this year (and the very first post since i started to stop blogging.. :) ) And finally, this is the year of mouse, and it's my year!!!! hehe... die liao you all.. don't gamble with me a... especially all of you from HELP collage... hehehe... Jordan i will win back those that i lost to you last year... as long as we don't gamble in Yong Hui's house... =.='' got phobia liao...

anyway, anyone of you want to know why i stop blogging? no? well, i'm gonna explain anyway.. :P

The main reason of me stop blogging is that i'm very busy this year. mainly busy in social and with my girlfriend. Yup. that's right. i got girlfriend liao.. suprise leh.... i also suprise a... thought i'm gonna end my life as a monk in ShaoLin temple... =.='' And no question about my girlfriend... those who know... u can tell other la... those that do not know, ask other... i'm too shy to say anything *blush...

secondly, too many people know this blog.. at first this is suppose to be a place where my oversea friend know what me and the gang did. but recently my friend has multiplied, and i can't write anythig freely anymore.. can't rant, can't complaint... and yeah... my girlfriend is watching this blog now... feel like want to delete all the previous posts... =.=''

ANYWAY, as you all can tell, i had excellent 2007 year... got most of my wish came true (except for owning my own wisma... hehe...) i do hope that last year threat you guys well too.. :) if not, don't mind.. what's past has past... now concentrate in this year, and i guarantee you'll have much more luck compare to last year.. :) HAPPY 2008 EVERYONE!!! :D